100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: Of Can Openers and Gardens
by mariteri
Summary: The discovery of an item that shouldn't be on the inventory list for the Arctic leads to Sheldon's idea of revenge. Rated M for mature content. Completely and unapologetically SHENNY. If you don't like the pairing, for god sake don't read it and then complain later. You only have yourself to blame. You've been warned.


**Disclaimer—I do not own the Big Bang Theory or its characters. Nor do I make any moneys from the posting of this fanfiction.**

 **Hello! I'm back with another answer to the 100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Challenge. Oh why did the word limit have to be 1,500 words? I know it's supposed to be a challenge…Okay, if you're going to put out a challenge, people, just remember—more words, better story for some writers (me included)!**

 **Please read and review!**

 **…**

 **Of Can Openers and Gardens**

It was a single item on the inventory list that caught his attention that started what was to happen. Can opener—electric, though banal in nature, was out of place on the list of things going to the Arctic. He had warned them that all food stuffs would be either freeze dried or vacuum packed. Apparently whomever did order it, hadn't taken his word as fact. Absently, he investigated further and was more than a little surprised that it had been Leonard that had done so.

The question now was why he would have ordered the can opener at all. Sheldon had told him that electricity was to be used sparingly and that batteries, though available, weren't exactly in large supply once they would get there to that barren waste land. Every item was supposed to be accounted for, but even so under the reason for said item was, "Because."

That was a sorry excuse by anyone's standard, Sheldon thought sourly. And so he put his rather large intelligence to the test, thinking over for what reason Leonard wanted that can opener at all. Needing a person to bounce ideas off, he went to Penny. True, she wasn't the best person to go to, but as anyone else he would request assistance from would run straight over to Leonard…Well, it just was for the best that his roommate knew nothing of what he was about at that time.

"Why should it matter?" she inquired.

Pursing his lips, he told her, "If it were solely my money going into this venture, I would overlook this as just another one of Leonard's odd needs." This had Penny blinking once more at him, giving him the look that said his mother really didn't have him tested for the correct thing. "This is all financed by the Physics Department of the school, Penny. If I can't account for every penny, no pun intended…"

"None taken," she replied.

"…then I could very well be in very big trouble," he finished.

Worrying her lower lip, she inquired, "There must be a reason for it."

"I figured as much, but what could it be?" he muttered.

"It's not for food," she said, thinking it over. "As you've stated as much. That being said, there isn't very many things that an electric can opener can do." When all he did was glare at her, she added, "It's not what anyone would call it a multi-use tool. The name is pretty self-explanatory."

Sighing he admitted, "Point made."

"Once you know what he wants it for, sweetie, I think you'll have your answer."

…

It took Sheldon several hours, not to mention a few Yahoos, to come up with a possible solution to this question.

"No!" he breathed, sitting up straight as he tried to deny the idea holding merit at all. Unfortunately, nothing else made sense.

Saddened and very angry, as all the answers he came up with equaled sabotage, Sheldon got to thinking just how he could put a very permanent stop to what Leonard clearly had in mind and getting his revenge at the same time. Looking at the calendar, he saw he had little over four months to plan and instigate said idea into motion. Smiling his evil grin, he thought, that'll work.

…

Training Penny had been not only painfully simple, but enjoyable as well. Tension was a thing of the past for him, leaving him more than willing to spend all the more time with her as she was bent to his will. Between the drug cocktail he had come up with in order to make her more receptive to his influence and the subliminal messages that he implanted onto all her music, Penny was putty in his hands in a matter of a week.

As for Leonard, all he thought Sheldon and Penny were doing was gardening. The lanky physicist had to laugh when he thought that over. In an odd way, he suppose he was telling the absolute truth. Sheldon and Penny were finishing an early morning "gardening" session when Leonard came knocking on his door.

Absently, he kissed Penny's swollen lips. "Get some more sleep, kitten."

"Okay," she sighed, drifting off back to sleep.

He got dressed quickly and went out, closing and locking the door behind himself as he did so.

"Have you seen Penny this week?" Leonard asked him, as they left to go to work.

"Certainly," he replied. "I saw her at the mailboxes just yesterday."

"How did she look?"

"The usual," he replied, not bothering to go into detail.

"That's it?" the shorter man demanded.

"What do you expect, Leonard? A soliloquy? I don't have the time for your little crushes at the moment. So you're going to have to excuse me for not taking note of her every sigh and hair twist."

"Never mind!" he snapped and they went on their way.

One month went by of Sheldon tending to Penny's fertile soils with the expected results. The blond accepted his proposal of marriage with a joyous cry, something Leonard would have been hard pressed to miss as he was about to knock on her apartment door.

The short man tried to invite her out to dinner several times, but was turned down every time. But he was determined to get her to say yes. When she answered the door, she was dressed in only a bathrobe, an engagement ring and a satisfied grin.

"Hey, sweetie, what's up?"

Leonard couldn't take his eyes off of the ring. "You…you're getting married?"

"Yes! Isn't that great?"

"Uh…"

"You wanted something?"

"Uh…"

Penny studied him a moment and said, "I don't have time for this, Leonard. My lover is a busy man. So I need to take advantage of the time he wants to celebrate our engagement."

She shut the door and locked it before Leonard even came close to having any sort of idea of what to say. When he tried knocking on the door again, all he heard was her crying out in pleasure and begging for more. Angry now, he rushed away, never once hearing her crying out Sheldon's name.

Soon enough, a wedding band was added to the engagement ring. Leonard was complaining constantly, going so far as to say that she might even be making up this man up to cause him to become jealous to keep him home instead of going to the Arctic. In the end, the idea was tossed away, as it would take a thought process that Penny didn't adhere to.

Soon enough they were at the Arctic. There was no sign of the monopoles and Leonard was behaving rather oddly. He had searched the supplies three times before he had asked Sheldon where the can opener was.

"It was taken off the inventory list, as it had no place on this trip," he replied, as he slowly took off his gloves. "I was forced to do so with several items, as they were unnecessary…"

"Why are you wearing a wedding ring?" came from Raj, who was the first to notice it.

"Simple, because I'm married."

"What?!" came from all three of the other men.

"Since when?" Leonard asked, looking like he was about ready to attack him if Sheldon said what he thought he was going to.

"Since Penny and I found out that she was gestating our twins."

"Oh. My. God," breathed Howard, looking to a purpling Leonard.

"She was mine!" the shorter man exclaimed.

"Clearly Penny disagrees with you, Leonard," Sheldon told him. "She was the one to come to me, she was the one to instigate our sexual relations, and she was the one that suggested that we procreate once we did so."

"B-but you don't have a deal!" Raj exclaimed.

"Alas, I discovered that I didn't have a deal so much as a need to ruin Penny for all other men," he confessed. "It's worked so far and I must say that having her pregnant with my progeny only adds the cherry to the top of my scheme."

"Why?" Leonard demanded.

"The can opener," he replied. "There would be no task for it other than faking results."

"You bastard!" Leonard screamed.

Genuinely puzzled, Sheldon queried, "Why are you upset by this? It was my results you would have tampered with!"

Leonard tried to punch him, but was easily subdued. Made all the more so with Sheldon's mind washed minions—Raj and Howard. Dr. Leonard Hofstadter was found frozen to death three days later by a team of other scientists.

Calling the trip off on account of Leonard's demise, Sheldon was greeted at LAX by his enthusiastic and loving wife. Rubbing her small baby bump, Sheldon felt at ease now that he was back with Penny in his arms. Maybe these weren't the precise results he was looking for when this plan of his started. But in the end, though, the outcome wasn't a waste.

 **The End!**

 **…**

 **There you go! Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Yes, I know, Sheldon isn't usually so dark. But this challenge made writing him this way so much easier. That and the cookies the dark side promised. LOL! Thanks for joining the fun. Have a great day everyone!**


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